Fear sucks. So does security.

15 days. This thing's not the easiest thing to keep current. Sorry to my 4 readers.

Anyways, I've had some thoughts running suicides in my head as of late so I figure its time I got them out. They'll be disjointed. But so is your mom.

Fear

Growing up I feared my own shadow. Sure it was my size but it was dark and juxtaposed, plus it followed me everywhere. It wasn't just that though. One time some friends of mine convinced me there was a midget living 1000 yards from my house in some old pipes. The midget was small but mean as the dread pirate robert. Even worse, he was always listening, which meant if I told my parents he'd slit my throat while I slept. I wasted two weeks living in mortal fear until one night I couldn't take it anymore and I burst. When I awoke the next morning I realized the midget couldn't read thoughts or. . . my friends were lying bastards. The midget was never found, so I'm pretty sure it was the latter. Paul Quilliams was a mean little man. But I love him now, especially his drawings.

As I grew up and became a man I disobeyed the bible and didn't leave childish things behind me. I still lived in fear, although, now I feared injury, illness, needles and heights. As a result, I was ineffective at hockey, a wimp with the flu, I couldn't donate the blood that was apparently "in me to give" but even worse, I never experienced the pleasures of balcony life. If you think those are silly, I also feared other people's opinions of me, never finding a girlfriend, and my walk. It was a silly walk. Still is for the most part. "For the last time, no, there is not a broom up there."

Time passed, as time does, and I finally met a girl who fancied my nose. I felt like the luckiest man alive, still do actually. I was in my 2o's now so you'd think fear would have been a forgotten part of my youth. But it managed to keep following me. Manifesting itself in other more "adult" ways. Rides at the midway for instance (ok, so not so adult), walking home in the dark, getting in a fight, dying of a heart attack. The list goes on. At least I was funny. Yeah, that's about all I had going for me. Because the truth is: I was a timid, yellow bellied coward. Courage was NOT my middle name. It was George. Like the monkey.

I turned 28. As the year began, something was different. Like my brain had suddenly realized 30 was no longer a lifetime away. The next few months were dominated by conflicted thoughts. The thoughts grew in intensity until finally they burst. One night, I had a full blown panic attack and the attacks continued on and off for 2 months. At the time, I thought I was dying, that my heart really was being attacked - just as I had feared for so long. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't think. I even checked my blood pressure on the machines at Safeway every day fearing the end was near. I was trapped. Caught up in a fear box. And it was quickly being nailed shut. As scared as I was I finally realized my life literally depended on my getting it together. So I did the unthinkable.

I looked fear in the eye and didn't avert. In that moment, I think for the first time, I saw fear for what it was. A scarecrow. Mean veneer, nothing inside. I realized I had lived my entire life fearing straw.

Since that realization I've made a life, literally, by confronting my fears. Embarassingly so, sometimes. To cure my fear of needles and nausea, I actually went to the hospital ER and just. . .walked around. I booked a doctors appointment and requested that they take blood. I went to the carnival and went on all the rides. I went to highrises, road up to the highest floor and for the first time enjoyed the pleasures of balcony life. Last month I went SKYDIVING in South Carolina which for someone with my FEAR history, was a miracle.

The point is, I no longer live in fear. In fact, most of the time I live fearless. I'm convinced half of the 4 people who read this thing, live in fear of something. Don't do that! You have 1 life to live and have never been assured it'll last 90 years.

I am convinced the god of this age is not money, but SECURITY. Financial, physical, emotional, spiritual. We work and live to be secure and why do we do that? No where in scripture will you ever find Jesus living to be secure. If anything, his lack of security is what got him killed. Jesus was fearless KNOWING he did not have 90 years. So he lived his life for today.

Besides, what would you gain if you secured the world but in the end lost your soul?

John