FYI and Cell Phones

I'm not sure why but I'm not a big fan of people who say FYI out loud. As far as I know FYI was invented by some computer hack intent on cutting his online conversation time in half. So to use it in a sentence while speaking to a friend face to face, why, why would we do that? Are we really in that much of a hurry? "I'm having a really great time tonight but do you mind if we speed up the conversation a bit? For instance, while I could say - For your information I started my new job today, imagine if I abbreviated it down to FYI. FYI I started a new job today. That's like a dozen less letters. A dozen! Plus it brings out my hipness.
So. . .if you don't mind. . .

I do mind. Please don't abbreviate in public. It makes you sound like some corporate cell phone talker that loves doing their chatting as loud as they can to insure that everyone around them knows they're starved for attention and just that important. Nobody's too important to abbreviate. Nobody.

Speaking of cell phones, I've tried to go as long as I can without caving but I actually think I finally need one. Sigh. As I've watched all of you operate yours, I've compiled what I call The Cell Phone Musts. There's 10 as far as I know, make sure to tell me if I've missed one.

First, the smaller the better. In fact, if you really care, you'll wear it on your ear. It looks sexy.

Second, if you're a dude, be sure to wear it on your thin black belt. If you're a lady, deep inside your purse or inside your palm.

Third, make sure its from Telus or Rogers. Fido's a dog's name and Bell is a cheap taco place.

Fourth, only text message someone if they're actually in the same room.

Fifth, choose the most annoying ring tone possible. Remember, when you get a call, its not just you who needs to know, everyone needs to know.

Six, don't ever put the phone on vibrate. See rule number 5.

Seven, makes sure your phone is on at all times. Yes, even during weddings, funerals and when you're out at the theatre.

Eight, when the phone rings, first act shocked that someone would have the nerve to call you while you're at a wedding, funeral or the theatre. Then run out quickly whispering as loud as possible.

Nine, when you answer the phone, speak as loudly as possible. How else will we know you're so popular?

Ten, open and close it as often as you can. Who knows, maybe you missed a call.

And finally, never actually answer it. Just leave a cute message, we love that.

Man I'm excited. I'll be soooo cool.

John